It was a big fat negative.
I knew because I had seen positive tests before, and this
was not one of those. I couldn’t believe it, I was in complete shock. Hadn’t my
fertility doctor just told me I was
surely going to get pregnant on the first round, and probably with multiples??
I remember crumbling in a heap onto the floor of my beautiful hotel bathroom,
unable to even think clearly. At that moment, I felt what every woman who
struggles with infertility feels month after month. It was devastating.
When I finally pulled myself together, Erik convinced me to
go with him to eat breakfast at Vegas’ branch of Serendipity 3 (you know, from the
movie Serendipity, which I’ve always loved), because he knew I had wanted to go
there the last two times we had been in NYC and the line had been too long. So I
went, and promptly ordered a Bloody Mary. Because that may be the only positive
of finding out you aren’t pregnant, being able to drink a Bloody Mary for
breakfast. And as we sat there and drank our Bloody Marys, I put my sunglasses
on and let the tears come. They didn’t stop the entire two hours we stayed at
that restaurant, and I didn’t even care. We both cried as we shared our
disappointments about our failed fertility cycle and about all of the failed
pregnancies before that. We second-guessed our decision to spend thousands of
dollars on fertility treatments that didn’t even work. We wondered where God
was in all of our trying to have the children we thought He had for us. We
prayed that He would comfort us and give us peace in our not understanding.
Fast forward just one year, and here I am again, packing for
yet another Labor Day getaway, this time to celebrate our “Babymoon.” You know,
that one last trip you take as a couple before the baby comes and it gets a
little harder to get away for a long weekend together. This time, I am packing
maternity clothes instead of pregnancy tests and planning to eat breakfast at
the flagship Serendipity 3 in NYC, where I will gladly skip the Bloody Mary and
order a frozen hot chocolate instead. Isn’t it wild what a year can bring? The
space between then and now didn’t necessarily get easier, but we got stronger.
I went through one more failed fertility cycle before we decided to give the
whole “trying to get pregnant” thing a break, then I miraculously got pregnant
the very next month, only to miscarry again. That’s when we decided to get
serious about our adoption journey, and the rest is history, as you know.
I am sharing all of this to say, whatever it is you are
hoping for, dreaming for, praying for…whether it is a baby or husband/wife or a
job or anything else, don’t lose hope for those dreams. It may take a little
longer than you planned or expected, but God is able to do some amazing things
in our hearts during those seasons of waiting if we will let Him. And when those
things you’ve been hoping for do happen, it will be so much sweeter and richer
than you could have imagined! Ask God what He has for you during your waiting
season. I can say that He taught me a lot of things during my season of
waiting, some of which I was fortunate to have grasped and some of which I am
sure I missed. I wish I could go back and tell that girl in a puddle on the
floor in her hotel room in Vegas that she won’t always feel like that- that
there is so much more coming for her family and not to lose hope. But since I
can’t, hopefully I can infuse some hope into whoever is reading this that might
need it-- that IT WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS. Hold on to the hope that God has
put inside of you for whatever dreams He’s given you. It may look differently than
you expected, or take you on a different route than you planned for your life, but God never withholds good from His children unless He has
better to give them. My life in this season is proof of that, and yours will be
too.
If you are struggling with a loss of hope for any of your
dreams and need some encouragement or someone to talk to who has been there,
please feel free to email me at loristeenken@gmail.com.
I know that infertility and miscarriage specifically have been such silent topics
for women for a long time, and I so desire to change that. I want there to be space
for women to share their heartbreak and disappointments the way I was able to
share mine with those close to me. So reach out, and know you aren’t alone in
this. And thank you to those who already have shared with me as I’ve started
this blog, I am constantly interceding for you and your dreams to come to pass!
