One Year's View

As I was going through my desk looking for something this morning at work, I came across my weekly planner from last year. I don’t know why I keep this kind of stuff, call me sentimental. Or a hoarder, but sentimental has a better ring to it. As I flipped through it, I began to reminisce about some of the events and reminders I had put in it from the year before. I came across Labor Day 2013 and immediately got a knot in my throat. Exactly one year ago, I was busy packing for our big vacation to Las Vegas, a trip we had been planning for months. It feels now like it was years ago and yesterday, all at the same time. We had just finished our first round of infertility treatments the week before, and my fertility doctor was SO SURE it was going to be successful because I had successfully ovulated not one, but FOUR eggs (do I sound like a chicken or what?) with the help of minimal fertility drugs. My problem had never been getting pregnant anyway, it was the staying pregnant that seemed to be stumping even the best fertility doctors in Texas. I was taking the treatments simply to try and develop a better egg. I remember my doctor calling me that week and asking if I was sure I wanted to go forward with the remainder of the treatments because the chances of me having multiples was so high, but of course we said yes…I had always wanted multiples anyway! So as I packed for our trip to Vegas, I was giddy thinking about the pregnancy tests I had thrown into my suitcase, and how I couldn’t wait to celebrate seeing that positive pregnancy test while on our vacation. Fast forward two days into our trip, the day it was time to take the test. The day I had been waiting for all month.

It was a big fat negative.

I knew because I had seen positive tests before, and this was not one of those. I couldn’t believe it, I was in complete shock. Hadn’t my fertility doctor just told me I was surely going to get pregnant on the first round, and probably with multiples?? I remember crumbling in a heap onto the floor of my beautiful hotel bathroom, unable to even think clearly. At that moment, I felt what every woman who struggles with infertility feels month after month. It was devastating.

When I finally pulled myself together, Erik convinced me to go with him to eat breakfast at Vegas’ branch of Serendipity 3 (you know, from the movie Serendipity, which I’ve always loved), because he knew I had wanted to go there the last two times we had been in NYC and the line had been too long. So I went, and promptly ordered a Bloody Mary. Because that may be the only positive of finding out you aren’t pregnant, being able to drink a Bloody Mary for breakfast. And as we sat there and drank our Bloody Marys, I put my sunglasses on and let the tears come. They didn’t stop the entire two hours we stayed at that restaurant, and I didn’t even care. We both cried as we shared our disappointments about our failed fertility cycle and about all of the failed pregnancies before that. We second-guessed our decision to spend thousands of dollars on fertility treatments that didn’t even work. We wondered where God was in all of our trying to have the children we thought He had for us. We prayed that He would comfort us and give us peace in our not understanding.

Fast forward just one year, and here I am again, packing for yet another Labor Day getaway, this time to celebrate our “Babymoon.” You know, that one last trip you take as a couple before the baby comes and it gets a little harder to get away for a long weekend together. This time, I am packing maternity clothes instead of pregnancy tests and planning to eat breakfast at the flagship Serendipity 3 in NYC, where I will gladly skip the Bloody Mary and order a frozen hot chocolate instead. Isn’t it wild what a year can bring? The space between then and now didn’t necessarily get easier, but we got stronger. I went through one more failed fertility cycle before we decided to give the whole “trying to get pregnant” thing a break, then I miraculously got pregnant the very next month, only to miscarry again. That’s when we decided to get serious about our adoption journey, and the rest is history, as you know.

I am sharing all of this to say, whatever it is you are hoping for, dreaming for, praying for…whether it is a baby or husband/wife or a job or anything else, don’t lose hope for those dreams. It may take a little longer than you planned or expected, but God is able to do some amazing things in our hearts during those seasons of waiting if we will let Him. And when those things you’ve been hoping for do happen, it will be so much sweeter and richer than you could have imagined! Ask God what He has for you during your waiting season. I can say that He taught me a lot of things during my season of waiting, some of which I was fortunate to have grasped and some of which I am sure I missed. I wish I could go back and tell that girl in a puddle on the floor in her hotel room in Vegas that she won’t always feel like that- that there is so much more coming for her family and not to lose hope. But since I can’t, hopefully I can infuse some hope into whoever is reading this that might need it-- that IT WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS. Hold on to the hope that God has put inside of you for whatever dreams He’s given you. It may look differently than you expected, or take you on a different route than you planned for your life, but God never withholds good from His children unless He has better to give them. My life in this season is proof of that, and yours will be too.

If you are struggling with a loss of hope for any of your dreams and need some encouragement or someone to talk to who has been there, please feel free to email me at loristeenken@gmail.com. I know that infertility and miscarriage specifically have been such silent topics for women for a long time, and I so desire to change that. I want there to be space for women to share their heartbreak and disappointments the way I was able to share mine with those close to me. So reach out, and know you aren’t alone in this. And thank you to those who already have shared with me as I’ve started this blog, I am constantly interceding for you and your dreams to come to pass!