Opening Up

I can't believe its been over two years since I last blogged. So much life has happened. We have had not one, but TWO kids since then...so yeah, life's been a little busy. I was sitting at dinner with some girlfriends the other night, and one of them asked us all this question-- "if you could do anything, without constraints of resources, time, family...what would it be?" I immediately knew...I would write. Not quite sure what I would be writing about, but I just knew thats what was in my heart to do. These particular friends I was with that night are the kind of friends who really go after the deep things in me, so they all asked, "well, why aren't you??"

So here I am. At it again. The same old fear messages pop up every time I come back to write...What if no one reads this? What if they think my writing sucks? What do I have to add that a million other bloggers out there haven't already said? I decided today to shut those down and just write...because even if those three friends of mine are the only ones to read this besides my mother (Hey, Mom)...at least I'm bringing myself life in this space. God has not tasked me to reach millions with this blog- He simply wants to see me come alive with a passion that is already in my heart, ready to spill out in word form. 

So today felt like a good day to write. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first miscarriage- the death of our first little baby. It has been four years since that day, yet I can remember every detail about that weekend like it just happened. We had just been to the doctor a couple of weeks before and had our first sonogram- we were in awe of the tiny little blob on the screen with its little heart fluttering so fast. We were going to be parents! I was so excited to be pregnant that I went to Gap on my way home and bought 5 pairs of maternity pants...because who doesn't love an excuse to wear stretchy waistband pants?? We drove to Austin that weekend and had my mother-in-law take pictures of us with a cute tiny little pumpkin for our pregnancy announcements that I immediately ordered the next week- rush shipping, please.

                                                           

Two weeks later, I boarded my flight to Annapolis for our annual law school friend reunion wearing my maternity pants (falling off of me at this point bc I had no real belly yet, but did I care? nope) and carrying 5 copies of my pregnancy announcement to surprise the girls with the good news. The first night we were all together, after sharing my exciting news, I went to the bathroom and noticed I was spotting. I started freaking out, but the girls tried to calm me down (even though none of us had ever been pregnant before) and we eventually went to bed. I don't think I slept even 10 minutes that night, something just didn't feel right. The next morning, the spotting had gotten a lot worse- I knew I needed to get to a hospital right away. Two of the girls drove me to the ER, and I remember being terrified as we waited...all three of us trying not to cry right there in the waiting room. After what felt like an eternity of waiting, I was finally taken back for a sonogram. My two friends were allowed to be with me in the dark sonogram room as they searched for little baby's heartbeat. There wasn't one to be found. The nurse confirmed my worst possible fear right there in that dark room, that I had lost the baby. My sweet friends just hugged me and stayed with me while we processed the news together. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest, and as grateful as I was for them being there, I just wanted to be with Erik in that moment and he was thousands of miles away. (I didn't know at the time, but Erik had gotten a last minute flight as soon as he heard I was at the hospital and he was already on his way to me). My other three friends arrived at the hospital right after we got the news, and they filled the hole in my heart in the best ways they could- they cried with me, brought us food, talked about the baby when I wanted to, talked about everything BUT the baby when I didn't, gave me a play by play of Erik's status, and once the doctor finished the procedure, they took me back to my friend's house and let me rest. I remember how good it felt outside when we were leaving the hospital- it was cool and crisp, on what was supposed to have been a wonderful day of exploring Annapolis with my girls. When Erik finally arrived, I met him on the steps of my friend's house and we sat together and cried. Once i started crying, I just couldn't stop it. We tried to go to dinner at a little pub, but I had no appetite, so we just went to a coffee shop and cried some more instead. Our friends arranged for us to go stay at one of their other friend's apartments that night so we could be by ourselves. I didn't want to go, but I felt like I had drained everyone enough for a lifetime, so we went. The next days and weeks felt like a blur. I remember coming home to that little pumpkin we had used for our announcements, and I took it outside and tried to smash it. I couldn't, so I just threw it in the trash along with all of the pregnancy announcements that would never be sent. My mom came that week and we kept ourselves busy with projects, but the ache was just so much, and I knew everyone around me could feel it. 

Four years and two kids later, and that experience still brings me to tears when I allow myself to revisit it. We experienced several more miscarriages after that one, but none hurt as bad as that first one for me. I felt so blindsided by it, maybe that's why? One of my friends who was with me on that terrible day texted me this morning, asking how I was doing (she's one of my most thoughtful friends, of course she would remember to think of me today) and we started talking about how loss can really make you question what you really believe- how it can move you from an idea of who you thought God was to making you take a step forward in faith and decide whether you are going to believe in Him and in His goodness in all things, in spite of circumstances that appear otherwise. I know that my faith was tested more in that season of my life than it has ever been before, but I also know that I am more sure now of who God is to me and what true trust looks like, because of what He brought me through. I always tell Erik that I don't trust people to speak into my life in a deep way who haven't been through anything hard in their own life....because I know what hardships do to people, I know what the fire will bring out in you, and the people who come out stronger and more in love with God on the other side...I want to know their secrets. I want to know what they learned through their experiences and how they arrived at their decision to believe with everything in them that God is GOOD, no matter what.

What about you? What has God taught you and/or done in your life through the really crappy, hard stuff? It's okay if you don't know or see it yet, I don't know that I can see the full extent of my own stuff either. I do want to encourage you to take the time to visit those painful places in your life with the Lord though and ask Him what He has for you in it...what have you learned about who He is through it? Was there someone who was able to encourage you in a way that no one else could because of shared heartache? Could you possibly be that person for someone else in the same situation down the road? Just some thoughts to think on.

There's so much more I could say on this...and I will as I continue to press in to the pain that still remains and learn more about what God has for me in and through it. But today I need to go tend to the perfect little miracles that God has given to me to parent here on this Earth, and I will wait in eager expectation to meet that first little baby when I arrive in Heaven one day :)